He Hates the World and I Can’t Change That

by Anonymous
United States of America

 

Vacation.

To most people, it’s a time of excitement and anticipation. But to a PTSD family, it is filled with anxiety and uncertainty.

Recently we had to travel to my son’s baseball tournament. My children – twelve-year-old son and nine-year-old twin girls – were all excited but I was a ball of nerves. My husband had already made it clear before we left that he would come but would not attend the games because he “hates everyone”.

My son has come to accept his dad for this but I know it still must hurt him deeply.

My children don’t really know their dad without PTSD. He is both a 9-11 survivor and a 9-11 cancer survivor.

He had a tumor in his jaw. His lower jaw was removed and replaced with the fibula bone from his leg. Most of his PTSD symptoms didn’t kick in until after his major surgery, which has forever changed the man I once knew.

I’m now on anti-anxiety medication to help me handle the unpredictability of my new life.

Fast forward to the “vacation”.

My husband spent his time in the hotel room while I took the three kids to the games. And if I had to answer the question “where’s your husband” one more time I might have screamed.

I’m tired of making excuses for his absence so my new answer is, “he’s doing his own thing”. Let them think what they want. I can almost hear them saying, “oh, I feel bad for her” and “their marriage must be in trouble”.

I just wish I could explain it to them. But I know they won’t get it. No one gets it unless they walk in our shoes.

The isolation and anger at people on our “vacation” was hard to ignore.

I made a choice this time to try not to worry about his happiness because I’m finally starting to learn that his happiness is out of my control. I did my own thing on the trip, and I refused to feel guilty about it.

Since we have come home he is back on the divorce train. A train that we have a monthly ticket on.

He hates the world and I can’t change that. I’m just left wondering how long the train ride will be this time.

 

 

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