Living Alongside PTSD During the COVID-19 Pandemic

Living Alongside PTSD During the COVID-19 Pandemic
I’ve been living alongside PTSD since 2011, when my paramedic husband was diagnosed and we were thrown into a life of chaos and uncertainty. For the past nine years I have been battling against every obstacle PTSD has forged in our relationship and struggling through every crisis PTSD has kindled in our home.

And then, right around the time I could feel the darkness finally lifting from our lives, the unimaginable happened.

All around the globe, people from every corner were unexpectedly thrown into a life of chaos and uncertainty as we all came up against a novel coronavirus.

First came the disbelief. Then came the shock.

I was already living with my husband in a delicate balance of anxiety and hypervigilance. And with the media reports changing rapidly, broadcasting bad news that was followed by worse news, I felt completely helpless as I watched my husband absorb this new nightmare.

 

Reality bites once again

I know navigating life alongside a partner with PTSD during the COVID-19 pandemic will be unprecedented and challenging. I know it’s going to test our resilience and commitment. And I know it’s going to be harder than I can even imagine right now.

There’ll be no surprise when things begin to unravel and tempers begin to flare. There’ll be no shock when the long nights begin to splinter and the peace runs out. I know how this game is played.

First comes the overwhelm. Then comes the fear.

And I know the signs will be easy to spot. Because this time I’m also the hypervigilant one.

 

Panic gives way to grief

Here in Australia, we’ve been living with this pandemic for about five weeks. Before then, most Australians hadn’t yet heard the term COVID-19. Some had starting sharing panic buying memes about toilet paper, but the pandemic still seemed a world away from us.

Then our case numbers began growing rapidly and we were soon getting updates from our government daily. The news was grim and suddenly the coronavirus was all any of us was talking about.

Within two short weeks, almost every aspect of our daily life had been restricted or banned as the country moved into a state of lockdown. The loss of normal routines and common freedoms have sent many people from a state of panic into a chapter of grief.

And I’m no different.

I’ve lost the life I once knew, but in a different way than when PTSD first became a presence in our home.

I am losing sleep over the fear of what lies ahead. I’m shocked by how overwhelming these new social rules are on my mental load.

I am frustrated that my sense of normal must be shifted day after day. I feel guilty each time I snap back at my kids while my mind silently roars on constant repeat, ‘I just need some time alone’.

I’m struggling to reach out to others in this suffocating isolation. I’m anxious about every subtle drift in my husband’s behaviour.

And I’m afraid things will only get worse before they get better.

 

Living alongside PTSD during the COVID-19 pandemic

So this is my new normal, at least for a while. I’ll move through this chapter of grief in my own time, just like everyone else. Just like I did after my husband’s PTSD first overshadowed our home and our marriage. This can’t be skipped over or rushed.

And though everything looks different and feels overwhelming right now, a vague sense of acceptance is beginning to make itself known. A knowledge of what needs to happen from here is becoming clearer, some ways to manage this lockdown and period of isolation…

 

I will get up and show up.
Even when I’m not going to work. We’ll have a family routine for meals and screen time and schooling. We’ll have family time and stories and normal bedtimes.

 

I will listen to the recommendations.
I’ll believe the experts when they tell me daily exercise and fresh air are especially valuable now more than ever. I’ll trust that my mind will thank me later when my body is forever telling me to sit back down on the couch.

 

I will expect more behavioural issues with my children.
And I’ll give them my time. They are just as confused and overwhelmed as I am, but they express it in different ways. They don’t need more discipline. They need more time for play. More time for emotional connections.

 

I will make sure there’s time for me to use freely.
I won’t spend all my time working or keeping house or looking after the kids. Because I know how easily time evaporates in a day when I simply react to the needs of everyone else.

PTSD During the COVID-19 Pandemic

I will limit my time in front of social media and news.
I need to keep informed, but every conversation and meme and graph and news report about the coronavirus that I consume only feeds the overwhelm and fear that I’m trying to curb.

 

I will create my own retreat space in my home.
It will be somewhere I can go to find some of that alone time I crave. And it’ll be where I keep my newly compiled self-care toolkit, ready and waiting.

 

I will reach out for connection and support.
Despite all the social distancing, a phone call will beat the one-way chatter in my mind and a video call will beat a stream of text messages. And I will support my husband with maintaining his PTSD treatment plan with his new online appointments.

 

I will lower my expectations of this new normal.
This will not be a competition of keeping the tidiest home or starting the most new hobbies or ticking off every last home maintenance task. This will be a time to find gratitude in the littlest of things, like still having my steady job.

PTSD During the COVID-19 Pandemic

I will look out for the helpers.
When the worries and fears start to overwhelm me, I’ll make sure I see just how many people around the world are stepping up and making a difference. And whenever I can, I’ll help those around me who need it too.

 

I will plan to check in frequently.
With my husband, particularly, before we let either the rages or the silences blend into the background. I’ll also check in with my children, being there to talk through their worries. And I’ll check in with myself, instead of simply assuming that I will cope with it all.

 

I will cut myself some slack.
And those around me too. I know that everyone is doing their best to get through this. Stressful times will always bring out the best, and the worst, in people. But I also know how crucial it is, despite these chaotic times, to draw the line between what is just a bad day and what is dangerous behaviour. Safety and security must always come first.

 

I will remind myself that this is only temporary.
I know that some days will fly by and yet others will not be so easy. When things are tough, I’ll take each day as it comes. When my mood is crushing me, I’ll focus on just an hour at a time. And when my husband’s PTSD fights for control, as it inevitably will as this lockdown drags on, I’ll breathe through each minute as one alone.

PTSD During the COVID-19 Pandemic

 

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