The ABCs of Relationships Affected by Trauma

Relationships affected by trauma can be complex, unfamiliar and, at times, very stressful.

Your spouse or partner endured a traumatic situation in the past, or they’ve been exposed to ongoing trauma in their career, and the term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) has now barged into your lives. And your relationship.

Even if PTSD has been part of a relationship or marriage for years, new challenges and triggers can emerge, leaving many people wondering where to turn for answers.

Relationships affected by trauma need the same foundation as any other relationship. Strong foundations are created when there is a healthy balance between yourself and your partner, by being realistic with your expectations and understanding what is achievable.

 

Creating a Healthy PTSD Relationship

 

Since 2011, when my ‘everyday-ordinary-marriage’ became a strained relationship peppered with my husband’s distressing PTSD episodes, I have worked towards defining the unique challenges of relationships affected by trauma and how to best manage them.

Too many PTSD relationships face a shaky future, but with the right knowledge, insight and support, many couples can weather the worst that PTSD brings.

Here’s my A to Z of how to preserve a healthy marriage or relationship after PTSD enters the fold.

A – Accept that all relationships change

Life is messy and unpredictable. For everyone. No one asks for a life defined by traumatic events, but we can choose how to face to the challenges it brings.

B – Balance your life and your expectations

Don’t try to do it all. Seriously, no one but you is expecting you to. Creating a balance will help you be more present and fulfilled.

C – Celebrate the small victories each day

When you do this, you’re setting up a good habit of seeing the positives in each day and learning to be grateful for every small step forward.

D – Dig deeper and do what is difficult

It can be difficult to say ‘no’ when everyone expects you to say ‘yes’. It can be difficult to draw your boundary and then stick to it. Sometimes the right thing to do and the hardest thing to do are the same.

E – Encourage your partner to talk

Good communication is vital for any healthy relationship. Asking about their future goals can be a great help, but don’t be afraid to ask your partner about their fears and worries too.

F – Forgive their mistakes… and yours

No journey with PTSD is straightforward, and mistakes are going to be inevitable. But mistakes also give us a unique opportunity to learn and grow.

G – Grow together

Adversity has the ability to draw a couple together… or tear them apart. But there’s no chance involved. Keep communicating, openly and regularly, and grow together through the journey.

H – Hold healthy boundaries

Draw a line in the sand to protect your physical, emotional and mental wellbeing. Establish your boundaries, communicate your boundaries, and then always honour your boundaries.

I – Ignore the judgers

There will always be people who choose to criticise you, or judge you, or assume they know better. But no one will ever understand your journey unless they walk a day in your shoes.

J – Joke around with each other

Laughing with each other doesn’t make PTSD go away. But it can help lift that invisible weight your relationship is being held down by. And it can help you remember the relationship still knows fun.

K – Keep striving for more knowledge

Learn more about trauma and PTSD. Learn more about relationships and communication. Learn more about yourself. This type of knowledge will give you the power to adapt to change.

 

L – Listen to what’s being said

And also listen to what’s not being said. Communication can be difficult at times, and while it’s important to listen to your partner, it’s also good to listen out for their silences too.

 

M – Make new memories together

Adversity doesn’t mean life stops. Yes, it will change in major ways, but it keeps moving forward nonetheless. Every day is an opportunity to shape your life together the way you choose.

 

N – Notice the good in every day

Remember, life is messy. But life also presents us with lots of reasons to smile and laugh every day, we only need to remember to look out for them.

 

O – One day at a time

Don’t let yourself become overwhelmed by what might happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. Today is the only day we have, and that’s where your focus needs to be.

 

P – Problem-solve together

You might not be the one diagnosed with PTSD, but helping your partner to manage their triggers and anxieties is positive for their journey through recovery. This is where support begins.

 

Q – Quit blaming, shaming and threatening

These are natural reactions when we’re angry and hurt and desperate, but acting this way will never bring about the changes you’re hoping for.

 

R – Reach out for your own support

Burnout is a real risk for anyone supporting a partner with PTSD. Support for the supporter is vital, and reaching out for your own support before everything unravels is important.

 

S – Schedule regular self-care

Too often, self-care is considered selfish by those caring for a loved one. But it doesn’t need to mean ‘me first’; self-care should always be thought of as simply ‘me too’.

 

T – Tell your story

Sharing your story of how you’ve overcome the hardest parts of your journey alongside trauma and PTSD will become part of someone’s survival guide.

 

U – Understand that relationships affected by trauma are hard

Don’t downplay what you’re both going through – a journey alongside PTSD is really tough – but you do need to remember that you’re not alone on this path.

 

V – Value honesty and commitment

Honesty in communication and moving through this journey as a partnership. And commitment to recovery and using small steps to heal a strained relationship.

 

W – Watch out for warning signs

We know our loved one better than anyone so we see the subtle shifts in their moods and behaviours. Don’t ignore a change; speak up if you’re worried or concerned about your partner.

 

X – X-press your true feelings

We might think it’s easier on our partner if we cover up our own worries and fears and needs, but your true feelings will only eat you up. Talk openly and talk often… your partner will appreciate it.

 

Y – Yield to professional advice and uncomfortable truths

Seeking your own support isn’t about having someone on ‘your side’ to indulge all your complaints. Having a supportive therapist is about examining your current reality, uncomfortable truths and all.

 

Z – Zero in on what’s important

Get this right and everything else will fall into place.

 

 

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